Here at Stupid Business Ideas we are always looking to diversify and we are pleased to announce our new half-sister company StupidPR.com

• Are you getting bad publicity?
• Do you want some bad publicity?
• Are people talking about you enough?
• Are you self-absorbed and really think that everyone should be more interested in you?

Don’t give up…we can help. We can spread the word and get your incredibly boring story out there to the five corners of the globe. We are all tired of hearing about war, inflation, poverty, increased interest rates (whatever they are - like who decides how interesting things are?)

Just call today to set up your account and before you know it everyone can know everything about you. We will be offering just about anyone the opportunity to put out a press release to the world about anything. Your news and reports are extremely important to the world no matter how trivial they may seem to you.

Some of our clients’ first press releases:

Toronto, Canada - June 27th 2007 (StupidPR) — John Dickington just had sweet and sour pork with special fried rice delivered to his home by Mr Kung-Po’s Oriental Express. While eating his pretty average dinner, John mulled over his plans for the evening and decided to stay home and watch last week’s American Idol episode he has on Tivo.

Contact John Dickington at 416-555-3435 or press@johndickington.com

Skinectity, New York - June 27th (StupidPR) — Emma Smithberg is pleased to announce a peaceful resolution to the stand-off between her and her cat, Mr Fluffkins. Mr Fluffkins had initially refused to re-enter the house having run out when Emma answered the door to her neighbour, Mrs Enid Jones. After, the threat of an ass-kicking and the offer of some funky tuna Mr Fluffkins acquiesced and re-entered the house without further incident.

Contact Emma Smithberg at 212-555-9265 or press@emmasmithberg.com

StupidPR.com trying to spread the word of the common man/woman since 2007

Do you find yourself always lining up? Are you always waiting impatiently for things? Are you someone who gets their ass kicked for butting in line? Do you like queuing for things? Do you have too little time on your hands?

We have the solution -

We now have Line-up Technicians (or Queue Technicians if you are in jolly England) on call 24 hours a day in some towns and cities, in a few countries worldwide. No matter if you want to select the fastest or slowest line-up we have the answer for you. Perhaps, you don’t know which check-in line-up to select at the Airport or you really want to get your McFix at McDonalds and the line-ups look frustratingly long? We cater to all situations, feuding spouses eager to piss each other off by spending an eternity in the wrong line-up; the simple queue-lover who just loves the order of standing in single file waiting; the impatient, grumpkin who thinks the world revolves around him; etc.

You simply call our dispatch control centre and we will immediately send out a fairly competent Line Up Technician to advise on which line-up to stand in. After thorough analysis using our custom algorithm and heuristics we will tell you the optimum line-up/queue you should stand in to achieve your objective. Don’t be that tool who gets to the counter only to discover that he/she was in the wrong line-up the whole time and has to go and line up again, usually in the longest line-up of them all. Do what all the misguided, impatient people are doing… call The Line-up Technicians!

The Line-up Technicians… getting people where they wanna go faster or slower (sometimes)

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we are frequently unable to express ourselves and are often misunderstood. We sometimes think of words which we would love to use more, if only we knew what they meant. Basically we have grown tired of speaking the same old English. We want to sound intelligent and impressive yet totally incomprehensible.

We have the solution… we are totally reworking the English language and are assigning exciting new meanings to different words all the time!

We present…

English 2.0 - all the cool people are getting confused by it

If you are learning English for the first time be sure to learn the latest version. English 1.0 is so last week.

If you are procreating at the moment be sure to teach your baby English 2.0 so he/she understands and/or gets misunderstood by most, if not all, the people they meet in life.

All International business people will soon be speaking English 2.0 so get with the times and start speaking the talk…know what I’m sayin’!

Here are a few complimentary words to get you speaking English 2.0

Word - New Meaning

Punctual - 30-40 minutes late
Sweet - Semi-sweet, half-sour
Weird - Desirable, attractive
Good - Pretty Shitty
Great - Crap
Confused - Cool, intelligent, pleasant
Vegetarian - One who only eats bacon for sustenance

New Emotion picture cards now included! When people ask you how you are, you can simple show the emotion picture card that suits your state-of-mind the best. You don’t even need to waste your breathe.

English 2.0 The Complete Works - Available in all good corner stores this summer for sure.

Are you guilty of making alcohol-fueled late night phone calls to members of the opposite or same sex? Do you lose all sense of reason when inebriated? Are you a paid up member of the “liquid courage” club? Do you feel the need to make amorous propositions from your cellphone to people you previously found unattractive whenever you get loaded?

If you are familiar with any of the preceding questions then you need the life changing Mobile Phone Breathalyser!

Just attach our state-of-the-art breathalyser to your phone (special harness included), turn it on and you will never make a drunken phone call again.

If you attempt to make a call on your cell, you will be prompted to blow into the breathalyser. If you blow over the limit, a siren will sound alerting you and everyone in a 1 mile radius that you are shit-faced and are looking for some loving in all the wrong places.

You will of course always be able to place emergency calls to the Police, Emergency Services or Fire Brigade. We do want you to live after all.

New models and styles coming in all the time.

Check out our new in store promotions at our soon to be opened stores.

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have been particularly busy lately, which has provided us with a plethora of “interesting ideas”. For those of you who don’t know, we sometimes discuss as many as twenty (20) interesting ideas in one day. That’s right, things get pretty interesting around here!

Here are a couple of prime nuggets now in rapid development at our secret R & D Laboratory, located somewhere:

Water that is not Wet!

Many people have dreamed of: reading the newspaper in the shower; swimming in their tuxedo/wedding dress; spilling glasses of water on themselves without a care in the world; etc.

Now we finally have the solution…Water that is not wet - dry water for the scientists among you. Through relentless research and paint-staking theorizing we believe we have come up with an algorithm which allows us do derive the dry water equation. Watch taps near you for the soon to be released dry water.

Also coming soon: Instant Powdered Water…just add water and you are away.

Opening Soon in a strip mall near you.

Do you like collectibles? Are you tired of conforming? Are you nocturnal? Do you like the Antiques Roadshow ?

It’s time to come down to our poorly lit, state-of-the-art second-hand light bulb showroom. We have light bulbs from all over the world - Italy, Littlerock, Greenland, Vienna, Bradford, etc. We have new second-hand light bulbs coming in all the time from all kinds of sources for every occasion. We design and make our own range of second-hand light bulb jewellery- it is all the rage. Be original - don’t send flowers to that special someone, say “I love you” with a custom bouquet of exquisite second-hand light bulbs.

Second-hand light bulbs are:

• great as baby soothers
• great for the kids to play that timeless, classic game of “Smash the light bulb”
• wicked novelty/joke gifts. You cannot beat people’s expressions when they insert the second-hand light bulb thinking that it will work and then it doesn’t - good times
• always great talking points at social/family gatherings
• a great way to meet like minded people
• fun for all the family
• the source of many jokes
• super Christmas ornaments

Get All Lit Up At The Second Hand Light Bulb Shop

Are you out of work? Do you have money to invest/burn on some hair-brained scheme? Do you have two hands? Can you see in the dark? Are you alive? Do you own a swimsuit? If you answered any of these questions, we have an opportunity for you…become your town’s Midnight Mechanic.

Everyone knows how inconvenient it is to get an oil change done for your car, yet alone getting your car serviced. No-one likes that impotent feeling of not having your wheels available to you and this is where the Midnight Mechanic comes in.

The Midnight Mechanic goes to peoples’ homes after the hours of midnight, services their cars discreetly, (except for power tool noise) and is essentially a totally mobile mechanic’s garage which can try to do any job.

The Midnight Mechanic is equipped with just about anything he might need to repair your car and he will try (and most likely fail) to fix it. People no longer have to worry about visiting the dealership for a service anymore…you simply call the Midnight Mechanic. Everybody wins!!

For a one time franchise fee we will supply you with:

• a custom 24 wheeler rig (with your name and your woman’s/old man’s name on the windscreen)
• a supply of all kinds of impressive looking replacement parts – nuts, bolts, tires, engines etc.
• a simple manual on how to fix stuff, complete with car section
• a whole bunch of super charged power-tools
• a helmet
• a really loud air-horn for your rig
• a powder blue, kick-ass winter uniform
• a second-hand fluorescent light fixture
• a small purple elephant
• a mustard yellow, insulated spacesuit
• a selection of tasteless bumper-stickers like “honk if you think I’m a w@nker”
• Midnight Mechanic branded head-band and flip-flop set

Being an official Midnight Mechanic in your town will bring many perks and benefits…

• Enjoy those envious looks as people observe you in your official looking uniform.
• Garner the respect of friends and relatives as you shamelessly parade around in your enormous 24 wheeler rig
• Look like a rockstar mechanic.
• Shamelessly blow your air-horn, pissing everyone off.
• Make extra money by working during the day.
• Great as a part-time/full-time job for old people, infants and students.
• Be a role model to children and purveyor of the Great American Dream to all.
• Pull chicks/dudes

Testimonials about Midnight Mechanics:

“He kept me up all night and totally fucked my car! In fact I have never driven my car since, but what a convenient service.” Steve Stephenson. (Buffalo, USA)

“Two thumbs way up for the Midnight Mechanic!” Siskel and Roeper (NYC, USA)

“He was kind enough to open the door for me before he drove away in my car. What a charmer he was, I miss him already!” Ima Sillycow (Lowville Heights, Canada)

Are you planless? Feel like you need a change? Do you like plans? Have you lost your way? Don’t have a plan? Do you keep doing things which only you think are good ideas? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions then you should…

Visit the Plan Shop for our Autumn Plan Blowout!

Often in life we are faced with uncomfortable problems and severe challenges which usually force us to start crying, panic, phone our Mums and quickly give up. Bad planning has touched everyone’s life. It need not any more…we are now excited to offer plans to suit any situation.

• Need a business plan?
• Forgot your plan?
• Did the dog eat your plan?
• Bored of your parent’s plans for you?
• Need a new meal plan?
• Not sure what you are doing?
• Need an excuse for a plan?

Don’t worry we have you in our plans… We have a plan for you.

Let’s face it everyone loves a man or woman with a plan. Be the person who people look to when their shit/plan hits the fan. Be the person about whom people say “he/she has such great plans!”. Everyone loves it when a plan comes together and even if it doesn’t it’s the thought that counts. The plan could have worked and isn’t that enough? Of course it is. Some of the most famous and successful people in the world like plans and use them. Stick with the planners…stay one plan ahead of the crowd. Be a winner…Be a Planner!

Plans to suit any budget…

Currently in stock:

• Big Plans
• Plan B
• Simple Plans
• Re-Conditioned Plans
• Previously Failed Plans
• Previously Enjoyed Plans
• Budget Plans
• Bad Plans
• Last Minute Plans
• Ill-Conceived Plans
• Vintage Plans
• General Plans
• Spring Plans
• Interchangeable Plans
• Pie-in-the-Sky Plans

Plans currently being planned:

• Summer Plans
• Comprehensive Plans
• Mid-Summer Plans
• Half-Arsed Plans
• Elaborate Plans
• Futuristic Plans
• Pretty Weak Plans
• Speculative Plans
• Reworked Plans
• Solid Plans
• Dream Plans

Feel like a change of plans? Then trade your old plans in for some new plans. We also offer custom plans, which we will custom plan for you. We also offer plans for all special occasions…Barn Dances, Bar Mitzvahs, Weddings, Christenings, etc.

Talk to one of our Planners in our state-of-the-art dedicated Planning Department. Discuss your planning dreams and make plans for them to become a real plan sometime.

Take advantage of our “I Planned It My Way” promotion. Buy one plan for $200 and get the second one for the same price.

The Plan Shop…making someone’s plans become something, sometime guaranteed

Yes that’s right just in time for the Grand Slam tennis season, we here at Stupid Business Ideas are about to unleash another absolute corker on the unsuspecting world!

It is tradition at Wimbledon, the All England Tennis Club, for the tournament to sell tennis balls, used in previous matches, to paying customers. People seem to love the idea that a top player or mediocre player, noone has ever heard of, might have handled their newly purchased balls. With this in mind, our ingenious plan is to attend the first few days of the tournament and during matches, throw loads of balls onto the court while rallies are in progress. Obviously, this will make for some confused and grumpy players and officials but we will be smiling broadly and laughing as we go. The Powers that be will (hopefully) assume that the balls arriving without invitation on the courts are balls that they have sold to the public. This is where the plan takes shape so standby…clearly the All England Tennis Club will not tolerate foreign balls arriving on court willy-nilly during matches, so they will be forced to ban sales of their previously used balls to maintain the dignity of the tournament and prevent further disruptions to matches.

The day after the ban, as people walk up to the entry gates they will be greated by two eye-catching stalls offering previously used balls from Wimbledon for sale at a highly inflated rate. Now this is the crafty part…the balls we sell will not actually be balls from the tournament but will in fact be balls purchased for very little at ASDA. Before anyone is aware of “the great tennis ball swindle” the last serve of the tournament will have been struck and we will be sitting in McDonalds supersizing our Big Mac meals and counting our money. The plan is fool proof and we may licence it for use at other tournaments around the world assuming they sell their used balls.

Thank you

We’ve had this really great idea - a website filled with stupid business ideas.

If we can’t come up with enough to fill the blog (and on recent performance that shouldn’t be a problem) we’ll just write up those gazillions of really stupid business ideas that are out there already.

Our first stupid business idea is to set up a whole range of stupid business idea websites. So if you don’t like stupid business ideas, try awful business ideas or silly business ideas or any of the other sites from our list below…

• absurdbusinessideas.com
• crapbusinessideas.com
• dumbbusinessideas.com
• worstbusinessideas.com
• shitbusinessideas.com
• godawfulbusinessideas.com

Thank you