A couple of years ago it was revealed that Dasani water from the Coca-Cola company was in fact purified water from the municipal supply – ergo tap water. This led to a PR snafu in the UK where an old popular sitcom makes fun of the same idea. Dasani was quickly taken off the shelves, although it still sells elsewhere.

We propose a new take on this idea – bottled tap water called simply ‘Tap Water’. It would come in an over designed, over expensive bottle with a silly label.

Once the club kids get excited about it and after the inevitable loss of cool that follows (”It is tap water you know…”) the label would be changed to say… ‘Tap Water – It’s not tap water’ . At this point it is revealed that it’s actually pure water from an Alaskan iceberg or an Irish mountain spring.

Just as the buzz on this clever marketing concept dies down, a new phrase is added… ‘Tap Water – It’s not tap water… or is it?’ Somebody points out that there are no Alaskan icebergs left, and there are no mountains in Ireland.

Confusion reigns…. but the water keeps flowing.

Many people have said that I am in love with the sound of my own voice (it is pretty awesome afterall), but even I would sometimes like to sound different. Now, thanks to the Exotic Accent Institute, you too can sound like you are from a glamorous foreign country who is just passing through town. Impress friends and dumbfound critics with a totally revamped style of conversing.

It is a simple 3 step process:

1) quit your day job
2) attend a 10 week intensive Exotic Accent Course (three 3 hour sessions a day, 7 days a week for 10 weeks)
3) start speaking with a really bad accent

We are adding new sterotypical and politically incorrect accents all the time.

New Accents Currently Available:

• Brazillian Bikini Model
• Mad Hungarian
• Welsh Sheep Farmer/Shagger
• Impatient German Dominatrix
• French Maid on Acid
• Speeding New York Cab Driver
• Overweight Romanian Stripper
• Toffee Nosed English Aristocrat
• Texas Cowboy
• Polish Sausage Maker
• Irish River Dancer
• Chinese Takeaway Chef
• Spanish Bull Fighter

New Silicon valley start-up launches new beta service.

Many people have missed flights, dental appointments, slept through the workday etc. thanks to faulty alarm devices, their ability to tune out the alarm or desire to sleep. Surprisingly, even the staff at Stupid Business Ideas have slept through an alarm call on occasion. This is a very real problem in the world and one which is causing increasing social unrest in over-developed Western countries. How many more people will miss “the boat” before we wake up to this problem? It need not happen anymore…

After relentless research and painstaking analysis, a ground breaking company, ViolentWakeUps.com, seems to have found the most natural solution to this problem. It is based on a technical concept first contemplated by founder, George Gaglianini in the summer of 2005. Gaglianini is a true visionary who has married human nature and technology in such a dynamic way. We recently had the opportunity to chat with this E-trepreneur at his home in Mountain View.

“I suppose it was my understanding of the human psyche which first allowed me to gain real incite into this problem. I watched so many friends and family members develop a very real contempt for their alarm clocks and mobile phones. People were now allowing themselves to hit the snooze button over and over again and sleep past their previously planned wake up times. I realised I could, sort of, harness my people skills and telemarketing experience to develop a simple yet virtually flawless business model whereby people just post their violent wake up order on the website or call it in. The orders are then out-sourced to our regional agents. Our agents boast an average repeat user rating of 99.87% and our agents love their work”.We have to say we found Gaglianini to be a motivated, savvy technocrat who clearly understands the Web 2.0 Facebook/Google world which most of us live in some of the time. Time will tell but everyone in the valley is secretly whispering his name.

How to use ViolentWakeUps.com

Simply call their 24 hour booking agents on 1-555-wake-ups or go online at ViolentWakeUps.com and give them your location and the time you wish to be awoken at and they will take care of the rest.

Types of Violent Wake Ups currently available:

• foghorn
• swat team raid
• classic gong
• bedside pyrotechnics
• traditional pot and pan bashing
• home intruder
• spouse/partner screaming through megaphone

Violent Wake Ups start as low as US$43.87 with a pre-booking coupon which is available after booking.

You may find it hard to believe but we do actual make our share of mistakes at Stupid Business Ideas. We, just like everyone else out there, are always second/double guessing ourselves. There are times when we really could do with a second opinion and a bit of guidance. Strangely enough some people have told us that it is about time we tried using our heads. Well, we really got our heads together on this one and finally worked out what “no man is an island” means. So we set about solving one of life’s great problems… making major mistakes and repeating them over and over.

We have all been told throughout our lives that “Two Heads Are Better Than One”! Well after exhausting scientific research and statistical analysis we can confirm that two heads really are better than one.

But let’s face it… it sucks to have to drag someone else along with you just because you need the benefit of an extra head. Certain situations demand discretion but also require the improved judgement of two heads. Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have the solution…Custom Made Second Heads!

Enjoy all the benefits of having a second head around but none of the inconvenience of a second person. You will only need one bus/plane ticket from now on, as your second head can be conveniently stowed beneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead baggage compartments. Start minimizing your mistakes and even stop repeating your legendary gaffes.

Bonus feature: if you like getting inebriated, you have the ability to not only get out of your head but you can now also get out of your second head.

Head on down to one of our Second Head Shops to get your virtually identical second head made by our renaissance-inspired head duplicate artists. Simply, stay motionless for five hours and thirty-six minutes while we make a papier-mache mould of your head and then come back 2-3 weeks later to collect your remarkably familiar looking second head. Believe us you will never look back or look better or use poor judgement again.

Be the wise, mature one of your group of friends and also the one who gets the most wasted…get your Second Head now!

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we are always looking to diversify and we are pleased to announce our new half-sister company StupidPR.com

• Are you getting bad publicity?
• Do you want some bad publicity?
• Are people talking about you enough?
• Are you self-absorbed and really think that everyone should be more interested in you?

Don’t give up…we can help. We can spread the word and get your incredibly boring story out there to the five corners of the globe. We are all tired of hearing about war, inflation, poverty, increased interest rates (whatever they are – like who decides how interesting things are?)

Just call today to set up your account and before you know it everyone can know everything about you. We will be offering just about anyone the opportunity to put out a press release to the world about anything. Your news and reports are extremely important to the world no matter how trivial they may seem to you.

Some of our clients’ first press releases:

Toronto, Canada – June 27th 2007 (StupidPR) — John Dickington just had sweet and sour pork with special fried rice delivered to his home by Mr Kung-Po’s Oriental Express. While eating his pretty average dinner, John mulled over his plans for the evening and decided to stay home and watch last week’s American Idol episode he has on Tivo.

Contact John Dickington at 416-555-3435 or press@johndickington.com

Skinectity, New York – June 27th (StupidPR) — Emma Smithberg is pleased to announce a peaceful resolution to the stand-off between her and her cat, Mr Fluffkins. Mr Fluffkins had initially refused to re-enter the house having run out when Emma answered the door to her neighbour, Mrs Enid Jones. After, the threat of an ass-kicking and the offer of some funky tuna Mr Fluffkins acquiesced and re-entered the house without further incident.

Contact Emma Smithberg at 212-555-9265 or press@emmasmithberg.com

StupidPR.com trying to spread the word of the common man/woman since 2007

Do you find yourself always lining up? Are you always waiting impatiently for things? Are you someone who gets their ass kicked for butting in line? Do you like queuing for things? Do you have too little time on your hands?

We have the solution -

We now have Line-up Technicians (or Queue Technicians if you are in jolly England) on call 24 hours a day in some towns and cities, in a few countries worldwide. No matter if you want to select the fastest or slowest line-up we have the answer for you. Perhaps, you don’t know which check-in line-up to select at the Airport or you really want to get your McFix at McDonalds and the line-ups look frustratingly long? We cater to all situations, feuding spouses eager to piss each other off by spending an eternity in the wrong line-up; the simple queue-lover who just loves the order of standing in single file waiting; the impatient, grumpkin who thinks the world revolves around him; etc.

You simply call our dispatch control centre and we will immediately send out a fairly competent Line Up Technician to advise on which line-up to stand in. After thorough analysis using our custom algorithm and heuristics we will tell you the optimum line-up/queue you should stand in to achieve your objective. Don’t be that tool who gets to the counter only to discover that he/she was in the wrong line-up the whole time and has to go and line up again, usually in the longest line-up of them all. Do what all the misguided, impatient people are doing… call The Line-up Technicians!

The Line-up Technicians… getting people where they wanna go faster or slower (sometimes)

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we are frequently unable to express ourselves and are often misunderstood. We sometimes think of words which we would love to use more, if only we knew what they meant. Basically we have grown tired of speaking the same old English. We want to sound intelligent and impressive yet totally incomprehensible.

We have the solution… we are totally reworking the English language and are assigning exciting new meanings to different words all the time!

We present…

English 2.0 – all the cool people are getting confused by it

If you are learning English for the first time be sure to learn the latest version. English 1.0 is so last week.

If you are procreating at the moment be sure to teach your baby English 2.0 so he/she understands and/or gets misunderstood by most, if not all, the people they meet in life.

All International business people will soon be speaking English 2.0 so get with the times and start speaking the talk…know what I’m sayin’!

Here are a few complimentary words to get you speaking English 2.0

Word – New Meaning

Punctual – 30-40 minutes late
Sweet – Semi-sweet, half-sour
Weird – Desirable, attractive
Good – Pretty Shitty
Great – Crap
Confused – Cool, intelligent, pleasant
Vegetarian – One who only eats bacon for sustenance

New Emotion picture cards now included! When people ask you how you are, you can simple show the emotion picture card that suits your state-of-mind the best. You don’t even need to waste your breathe.

English 2.0 The Complete Works – Available in all good corner stores this summer for sure.

Are you guilty of making alcohol-fueled late night phone calls to members of the opposite or same sex? Do you lose all sense of reason when inebriated? Are you a paid up member of the “liquid courage” club? Do you feel the need to make amorous propositions from your cellphone to people you previously found unattractive whenever you get loaded?

If you are familiar with any of the preceding questions then you need the life changing Mobile Phone Breathalyser!

Just attach our state-of-the-art breathalyser to your phone (special harness included), turn it on and you will never make a drunken phone call again.

If you attempt to make a call on your cell, you will be prompted to blow into the breathalyser. If you blow over the limit, a siren will sound alerting you and everyone in a 1 mile radius that you are shit-faced and are looking for some loving in all the wrong places.

You will of course always be able to place emergency calls to the Police, Emergency Services or Fire Brigade. We do want you to live after all.

New models and styles coming in all the time.

Check out our new in store promotions at our soon to be opened stores.

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have been particularly busy lately, which has provided us with a plethora of “interesting ideas”. For those of you who don’t know, we sometimes discuss as many as twenty (20) interesting ideas in one day. That’s right, things get pretty interesting around here!

Here are a couple of prime nuggets now in rapid development at our secret R & D Laboratory, located somewhere:

Water that is not Wet!

Many people have dreamed of: reading the newspaper in the shower; swimming in their tuxedo/wedding dress; spilling glasses of water on themselves without a care in the world; etc.

Now we finally have the solution…Water that is not wet – dry water for the scientists among you. Through relentless research and paint-staking theorizing we believe we have come up with an algorithm which allows us do derive the dry water equation. Watch taps near you for the soon to be released dry water.

Also coming soon: Instant Powdered Water…just add water and you are away.

Opening Soon in a strip mall near you.

Do you like collectibles? Are you tired of conforming? Are you nocturnal? Do you like the Antiques Roadshow ?

It’s time to come down to our poorly lit, state-of-the-art second-hand light bulb showroom. We have light bulbs from all over the world – Italy, Littlerock, Greenland, Vienna, Bradford, etc. We have new second-hand light bulbs coming in all the time from all kinds of sources for every occasion. We design and make our own range of second-hand light bulb jewellery- it is all the rage. Be original – don’t send flowers to that special someone, say “I love you” with a custom bouquet of exquisite second-hand light bulbs.

Second-hand light bulbs are:

• great as baby soothers
• great for the kids to play that timeless, classic game of “Smash the light bulb”
• wicked novelty/joke gifts. You cannot beat people’s expressions when they insert the second-hand light bulb thinking that it will work and then it doesn’t – good times
• always great talking points at social/family gatherings
• a great way to meet like minded people
• fun for all the family
• the source of many jokes
• super Christmas ornaments

Get All Lit Up At The Second Hand Light Bulb Shop