Are you tired of dragging the family to the local craft fair? Suffering from cabin fever? Has your home become a boring hovel? Is your family’s morale low? Do you need to do something special for little Johnnie’s birthday?

Well why not put some excitement back in your life with SBI’s new “Indoor Fireworks Shows“? That’s right you no longer have to freeze your collective asses off to see a cool fireworks show. Become the most popular family on the block and host the explosive fireworks show you always dreamed of…all from within the safe confines of your own home.

Simply set up the fireworks stand in your living room, put on your special safety goggles(4 pairs are included with your show), light the fuse and then sit back, relax and have the shit scared out of you!!

How can you go wrong?

Testimonials about Indoor Fireworks Shows :

“The kids and dog are still shell-shocked and have not spoken in days…good times!!” Gerald Naysmith. (Vancouver, Canada)

“The living room is destroyed but what a show it was” Pamela Jones (Telluride, USA)

“Wow!! A stunning spectacle fit for the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, all in your own home” Jean-Francois Smith (Seyches, France)

Following it’s launch at London Fashion Week, men have been flocking to buy Hugo Bacon’s new after shave “L’eau de bacon pour homme”. Lovers, girlfriends, wives and dogs are loving Hugo’s new Apres Razage.

Women cannot keep their hands off the men wearing the irresistable, meaty new men’s fragrance. Even female vegetarians love it.

Available in :

• Ocean Fresh Hickory Smoked
• Sporty Clean Maple Syrup
• Musk Original Thick Sliced

Hopewood Charms Press At Yacht Event With Views On Taxes – For more funny videos, click here

With the emergence of Mr Hopewood it looks like America has a bright future. Good business sense looks to be finally coming back to the White House.

Opening very soon in a crappy shopping mall near you – McGrumpkins Bar and Grill.

McGrumpkins Bar and Grill is the undisputed Number 3 when it comes to totally second-rate entertainment… feel free to take your pants off and enjoy a really crappy meal, get wasted and yell at a bunch of strangers, tag the walls, scream abuse at your server, hit on the staff, start food fights, dine and dash etc.

Now boasting:

• all-day happy hour
• dedicated deep-fried menu
• brunch and brinner specials
• almost felon-free work force
• smoking seats
• munchies and other food
• open dresscode
• table dancing
• dining room camodes

McGrumpkins is a great place to blow off work at, drink through that break-up, meet a man about a dog, watch the playoffs or propose to your girl. Make it McGrumpkins Bar and Grill for an evening of sub-par food, liquored up members of the opposite sex, unrivalled ambience and crappy service.

Take-out menu, in-house catering and other stuff now available.

McGrumpkins… if you don’t like it, we have done our jobs so &@/# off!!!

Are you absent minded? Do you have the attention span of a 2 year old? Are you short term memory deficient? Do you put things down and immediately forget where you put them? Do you have a car? Do you have a door?

If you answered any of these questions or if you are even reading this then we have a product for you…

The Car/House keys locator system. When you lose those house or car keys which you need so desperately you simple press the GPS button on the key ring device we give you and an alarm bell will sound telling you where you left your keys.

Are you starting to realise that you are not perfect? Are you even annoying yourself with those bad behavioral patterns you exhibit? Sometimes you just don’t know how to address your character flaws and noone else can be bothered to help you.

Now with the new Electronic Self Improvement System, you can shock yourself into becoming a better person. Simply install the “invisible” alarm vest, set to the character flaw/feeling you wish to correct, choose the tolerance level you require, turn it on and start the electrical voyage of self-improvement. For example. whenever you exceed your chosen limit for a behavior you receive a 18 volt electric shock along with an air raid siren sounding for thirty seconds, these measures provide a clear deterrent to you to stop being such a badly behaved asshole and smarten up

Character Flaw Alarm Systems currently available:

• Boring
• Overly enthusiastic
• Anxious
• Normal
• Anxious
• Feminist
• Ageist
• Sober
• Excessively nice
• Conservative
• Honest
• Deceptive
• Impatient

Available in all major drug stores this Christmas…finally, become the perfectly balanced person.

They said it couldn’t happen but the well for Stupid Business Ideas seems to have run somewhat dry. Unbelievable we have been coming up with only good business ideas in recent months and naturally our staff have become increasingly disenfranchised and frustrated.

Thanks to our totally mad executives and the imminent launch of a business saving initiative, we will soon be churning out masses of crappy, ill-conceived ideas once again thanks to our new software - CorrectImperfect v.1

You simply enter your good idea into our system electronically and the software takes care of the rest, stripping all the benefits and positive concepts from your plan replacing them with a flawed, totally implausible implimentation strategy and numerous inept hypotheses, giving us the stupid ideas we need and leaving you with your dreams in tatters.

Everybody wins!!

There are many instances when you may find that you are “working on a delay”. This is typically best experienced after an evening’s festivities, when you are back at someone’s house with friends, it’s late, you are lost in thought (how am i going to get home?), and someone asks you a question.Your author has been known to work on up to a 30 second delay in such circumstances, and you may well have your own stories and records.It would be helpful and a generous gesture to friends if you carried the new patented “working on a delay” display counter.Through the wonders of micro-electronics, a sensor works out your current delay time in seconds, and displays it on something you wear over your T-shirt. A friend need only glance over, check your current delay time, and decide whether they should bother speaking with you. They would also have the option of course of asking you a question, in full knowledge of how long they’ll have to wait until you answer. They can do something useful with this time.Available in all good stores and head shops this Fall – $9.99

The world’s top sun, sea and sand holiday resorts will soon be able to boast state-of-the-art tanning salons offering the latest in skin recoloring technology, all thanks to the vision of well-known tanning expert and beautician Claire Sallow. Having signed a string of exclusive deals with many of the world’s leading hotel chains (reportedly in the US$50million range), Sallow will design and build boutique style tanning salons in the very finest of Carribbean, Mediterranean and Irish Sea resorts.

People will now have the luxury of going on holiday and getting the most beautiful tan – all without stepping into that cruelly hot sun. Now holidaymakers can simply visit Claire’s “Midnight Sun Salon” within their resort and get the perfect man-made tan. In this ozone layer free-world who wants to get chargrilled alive by that insane, blazing golden orb we call the sun? Noone need suffer that fate anymore as we can now get man-made tans, contribute to the global energy crisis, possibly still get skin cancer and look really good, all at the same time!

Tans currently available:

• Flaming orange
• Mahogany
• Red Lobster
• Uneven
• Luminescent yellow
• Off-white
• Queasy-looking grey
• Discount
• Oak

Next time you have trouble figuring out how to sum up a bad situation or need to break an awkward silence you simple call, text or email Cliches on Demand and within seconds, they will send you a ridiculous cliche which is perfect for the situation you face.

Cliches you could receive:

• By the skin of his teeth

• A wet bird never flies at night

• We thought it would never end, but it did

• She really pushed the boat out

• In my mind’s eye

• It’s the thought that counts

• Don’t do today what you can do tomorrow

• Thanks for the memories

• The devil makes work for idle hands

• He wants to have his cake and eat it too

• A stitch in time saves nine

• Better late than never

• You should never cast aspersions

• Life’s not so bad when you consider the alternative

• Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched

• Procrastination is like masturbation the only one who gets f&cked is yourself

• His goose is cooked

• Too many cooks spoil the broth

• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush