Are you absent minded? Do you have the attention span of a 2 year old? Are you short term memory deficient? Do you put things down and immediately forget where you put them? Do you have a car? Do you have a door?

If you answered any of these questions or if you are even reading this then we have a product for you…

The Car/House keys locator system. When you lose those house or car keys which you need so desperately you simple press the GPS button on the key ring device we give you and an alarm bell will sound telling you where you left your keys.

Are you starting to realise that you are not perfect? Are you even annoying yourself with those bad behavioral patterns you exhibit? Sometimes you just don’t know how to address your character flaws and noone else can be bothered to help you.

Now with the new Electronic Self Improvement System, you can shock yourself into becoming a better person. Simply install the “invisible” alarm vest, set to the character flaw/feeling you wish to correct, choose the tolerance level you require, turn it on and start the electrical voyage of self-improvement. For example. whenever you exceed your chosen limit for a behavior you receive a 18 volt electric shock along with an air raid siren sounding for thirty seconds, these measures provide a clear deterrent to you to stop being such a badly behaved asshole and smarten up

Character Flaw Alarm Systems currently available:

• Boring
• Overly enthusiastic
• Anxious
• Normal
• Anxious
• Feminist
• Ageist
• Sober
• Excessively nice
• Conservative
• Honest
• Deceptive
• Impatient

Available in all major drug stores this Christmas…finally, become the perfectly balanced person.

They said it couldn’t happen but the well for Stupid Business Ideas seems to have run somewhat dry. Unbelievable we have been coming up with only good business ideas in recent months and naturally our staff have become increasingly disenfranchised and frustrated.

Thanks to our totally mad executives and the imminent launch of a business saving initiative, we will soon be churning out masses of crappy, ill-conceived ideas once again thanks to our new software - CorrectImperfect v.1

You simply enter your good idea into our system electronically and the software takes care of the rest, stripping all the benefits and positive concepts from your plan replacing them with a flawed, totally implausible implimentation strategy and numerous inept hypotheses, giving us the stupid ideas we need and leaving you with your dreams in tatters.

Everybody wins!!

There are many instances when you may find that you are “working on a delay”. This is typically best experienced after an evening’s festivities, when you are back at someone’s house with friends, it’s late, you are lost in thought (how am i going to get home?), and someone asks you a question.Your author has been known to work on up to a 30 second delay in such circumstances, and you may well have your own stories and records.It would be helpful and a generous gesture to friends if you carried the new patented “working on a delay” display counter.Through the wonders of micro-electronics, a sensor works out your current delay time in seconds, and displays it on something you wear over your T-shirt. A friend need only glance over, check your current delay time, and decide whether they should bother speaking with you. They would also have the option of course of asking you a question, in full knowledge of how long they’ll have to wait until you answer. They can do something useful with this time.Available in all good stores and head shops this Fall - $9.99

The world’s top sun, sea and sand holiday resorts will soon be able to boast state-of-the-art tanning salons offering the latest in skin recoloring technology, all thanks to the vision of well-known tanning expert and beautician Claire Sallow. Having signed a string of exclusive deals with many of the world’s leading hotel chains (reportedly in the US$50million range), Sallow will design and build boutique style tanning salons in the very finest of Carribbean, Mediterranean and Irish Sea resorts.

People will now have the luxury of going on holiday and getting the most beautiful tan - all without stepping into that cruelly hot sun. Now holidaymakers can simply visit Claire’s “Midnight Sun Salon” within their resort and get the perfect man-made tan. In this ozone layer free-world who wants to get chargrilled alive by that insane, blazing golden orb we call the sun? Noone need suffer that fate anymore as we can now get man-made tans, contribute to the global energy crisis, possibly still get skin cancer and look really good, all at the same time!

Tans currently available:

• Flaming orange
• Mahogany
• Red Lobster
• Uneven
• Luminescent yellow
• Off-white
• Queasy-looking grey
• Discount
• Oak

Next time you have trouble figuring out how to sum up a bad situation or need to break an awkward silence you simple call, text or email Cliches on Demand and within seconds, they will send you a ridiculous cliche which is perfect for the situation you face.

Cliches you could receive:

• By the skin of his teeth

• A wet bird never flies at night

• We thought it would never end, but it did

• She really pushed the boat out

• In my mind’s eye

• It’s the thought that counts

• Don’t do today what you can do tomorrow

• Thanks for the memories

• The devil makes work for idle hands

• He wants to have his cake and eat it too

• A stitch in time saves nine

• Better late than never

• You should never cast aspersions

• Life’s not so bad when you consider the alternative

• Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched

• Procrastination is like masturbation the only one who gets f&cked is yourself

• His goose is cooked

• Too many cooks spoil the broth

• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

A couple of years ago it was revealed that Dasani water from the Coca-Cola company was in fact purified water from the municipal supply - ergo tap water. This led to a PR snafu in the UK where an old popular sitcom makes fun of the same idea. Dasani was quickly taken off the shelves, although it still sells elsewhere.

We propose a new take on this idea - bottled tap water called simply ‘Tap Water’. It would come in an over designed, over expensive bottle with a silly label.

Once the club kids get excited about it and after the inevitable loss of cool that follows (”It is tap water you know…”) the label would be changed to say… ‘Tap Water - It’s not tap water’ . At this point it is revealed that it’s actually pure water from an Alaskan iceberg or an Irish mountain spring.

Just as the buzz on this clever marketing concept dies down, a new phrase is added… ‘Tap Water - It’s not tap water… or is it?’ Somebody points out that there are no Alaskan icebergs left, and there are no mountains in Ireland.

Confusion reigns…. but the water keeps flowing.

Many people have said that I am in love with the sound of my own voice (it is pretty awesome afterall), but even I would sometimes like to sound different. Now, thanks to the Exotic Accent Institute, you too can sound like you are from a glamorous foreign country who is just passing through town. Impress friends and dumbfound critics with a totally revamped style of conversing.

It is a simple 3 step process:

1) quit your day job
2) attend a 10 week intensive Exotic Accent Course (three 3 hour sessions a day, 7 days a week for 10 weeks)
3) start speaking with a really bad accent

We are adding new sterotypical and politically incorrect accents all the time.

New Accents Currently Available:

• Brazillian Bikini Model
• Mad Hungarian
• Welsh Sheep Farmer/Shagger
• Impatient German Dominatrix
• French Maid on Acid
• Speeding New York Cab Driver
• Overweight Romanian Stripper
• Toffee Nosed English Aristocrat
• Texas Cowboy
• Polish Sausage Maker
• Irish River Dancer
• Chinese Takeaway Chef
• Spanish Bull Fighter

New Silicon valley start-up launches new beta service.

Many people have missed flights, dental appointments, slept through the workday etc. thanks to faulty alarm devices, their ability to tune out the alarm or desire to sleep. Surprisingly, even the staff at Stupid Business Ideas have slept through an alarm call on occasion. This is a very real problem in the world and one which is causing increasing social unrest in over-developed Western countries. How many more people will miss “the boat” before we wake up to this problem? It need not happen anymore…

After relentless research and painstaking analysis, a ground breaking company, ViolentWakeUps.com, seems to have found the most natural solution to this problem. It is based on a technical concept first contemplated by founder, George Gaglianini in the summer of 2005. Gaglianini is a true visionary who has married human nature and technology in such a dynamic way. We recently had the opportunity to chat with this E-trepreneur at his home in Mountain View.

“I suppose it was my understanding of the human psyche which first allowed me to gain real incite into this problem. I watched so many friends and family members develop a very real contempt for their alarm clocks and mobile phones. People were now allowing themselves to hit the snooze button over and over again and sleep past their previously planned wake up times. I realised I could, sort of, harness my people skills and telemarketing experience to develop a simple yet virtually flawless business model whereby people just post their violent wake up order on the website or call it in. The orders are then out-sourced to our regional agents. Our agents boast an average repeat user rating of 99.87% and our agents love their work”.We have to say we found Gaglianini to be a motivated, savvy technocrat who clearly understands the Web 2.0 Facebook/Google world which most of us live in some of the time. Time will tell but everyone in the valley is secretly whispering his name.

How to use ViolentWakeUps.com

Simply call their 24 hour booking agents on 1-555-wake-ups or go online at ViolentWakeUps.com and give them your location and the time you wish to be awoken at and they will take care of the rest.

Types of Violent Wake Ups currently available:

• foghorn
• swat team raid
• classic gong
• bedside pyrotechnics
• traditional pot and pan bashing
• home intruder
• spouse/partner screaming through megaphone

Violent Wake Ups start as low as US$43.87 with a pre-booking coupon which is available after booking.

You may find it hard to believe but we do actual make our share of mistakes at Stupid Business Ideas. We, just like everyone else out there, are always second/double guessing ourselves. There are times when we really could do with a second opinion and a bit of guidance. Strangely enough some people have told us that it is about time we tried using our heads. Well, we really got our heads together on this one and finally worked out what “no man is an island” means. So we set about solving one of life’s great problems… making major mistakes and repeating them over and over.

We have all been told throughout our lives that “Two Heads Are Better Than One”! Well after exhausting scientific research and statistical analysis we can confirm that two heads really are better than one.

But let’s face it… it sucks to have to drag someone else along with you just because you need the benefit of an extra head. Certain situations demand discretion but also require the improved judgement of two heads. Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have the solution…Custom Made Second Heads!

Enjoy all the benefits of having a second head around but none of the inconvenience of a second person. You will only need one bus/plane ticket from now on, as your second head can be conveniently stowed beneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead baggage compartments. Start minimizing your mistakes and even stop repeating your legendary gaffes.

Bonus feature: if you like getting inebriated, you have the ability to not only get out of your head but you can now also get out of your second head.

Head on down to one of our Second Head Shops to get your virtually identical second head made by our renaissance-inspired head duplicate artists. Simply, stay motionless for five hours and thirty-six minutes while we make a papier-mache mould of your head and then come back 2-3 weeks later to collect your remarkably familiar looking second head. Believe us you will never look back or look better or use poor judgement again.

Be the wise, mature one of your group of friends and also the one who gets the most wasted…get your Second Head now!