Are you absent minded? Do you have the attention span of a 2 year old? Are you short term memory deficient? Do you put things down and immediately forget where you put them? Do you have a car? Do you have a door?

If you answered any of these questions or if you are even reading this then we have a product for you…

The Car/House keys locator system. When you lose those house or car keys which you need so desperately you simple press the GPS button on the key ring device we give you and an alarm bell will sound telling you where you left your keys.

The world’s top sun, sea and sand holiday resorts will soon be able to boast state-of-the-art tanning salons offering the latest in skin recoloring technology, all thanks to the vision of well-known tanning expert and beautician Claire Sallow. Having signed a string of exclusive deals with many of the world’s leading hotel chains (reportedly in the US$50million range), Sallow will design and build boutique style tanning salons in the very finest of Carribbean, Mediterranean and Irish Sea resorts.

People will now have the luxury of going on holiday and getting the most beautiful tan - all without stepping into that cruelly hot sun. Now holidaymakers can simply visit Claire’s “Midnight Sun Salon” within their resort and get the perfect man-made tan. In this ozone layer free-world who wants to get chargrilled alive by that insane, blazing golden orb we call the sun? Noone need suffer that fate anymore as we can now get man-made tans, contribute to the global energy crisis, possibly still get skin cancer and look really good, all at the same time!

Tans currently available:

• Flaming orange
• Mahogany
• Red Lobster
• Uneven
• Luminescent yellow
• Off-white
• Queasy-looking grey
• Discount
• Oak

Next time you have trouble figuring out how to sum up a bad situation or need to break an awkward silence you simple call, text or email Cliches on Demand and within seconds, they will send you a ridiculous cliche which is perfect for the situation you face.

Cliches you could receive:

• By the skin of his teeth

• A wet bird never flies at night

• We thought it would never end, but it did

• She really pushed the boat out

• In my mind’s eye

• It’s the thought that counts

• Don’t do today what you can do tomorrow

• Thanks for the memories

• The devil makes work for idle hands

• He wants to have his cake and eat it too

• A stitch in time saves nine

• Better late than never

• You should never cast aspersions

• Life’s not so bad when you consider the alternative

• Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched

• Procrastination is like masturbation the only one who gets f&cked is yourself

• His goose is cooked

• Too many cooks spoil the broth

• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

New Silicon valley start-up launches new beta service.

Many people have missed flights, dental appointments, slept through the workday etc. thanks to faulty alarm devices, their ability to tune out the alarm or desire to sleep. Surprisingly, even the staff at Stupid Business Ideas have slept through an alarm call on occasion. This is a very real problem in the world and one which is causing increasing social unrest in over-developed Western countries. How many more people will miss “the boat” before we wake up to this problem? It need not happen anymore…

After relentless research and painstaking analysis, a ground breaking company, ViolentWakeUps.com, seems to have found the most natural solution to this problem. It is based on a technical concept first contemplated by founder, George Gaglianini in the summer of 2005. Gaglianini is a true visionary who has married human nature and technology in such a dynamic way. We recently had the opportunity to chat with this E-trepreneur at his home in Mountain View.

“I suppose it was my understanding of the human psyche which first allowed me to gain real incite into this problem. I watched so many friends and family members develop a very real contempt for their alarm clocks and mobile phones. People were now allowing themselves to hit the snooze button over and over again and sleep past their previously planned wake up times. I realised I could, sort of, harness my people skills and telemarketing experience to develop a simple yet virtually flawless business model whereby people just post their violent wake up order on the website or call it in. The orders are then out-sourced to our regional agents. Our agents boast an average repeat user rating of 99.87% and our agents love their work”.We have to say we found Gaglianini to be a motivated, savvy technocrat who clearly understands the Web 2.0 Facebook/Google world which most of us live in some of the time. Time will tell but everyone in the valley is secretly whispering his name.

How to use ViolentWakeUps.com

Simply call their 24 hour booking agents on 1-555-wake-ups or go online at ViolentWakeUps.com and give them your location and the time you wish to be awoken at and they will take care of the rest.

Types of Violent Wake Ups currently available:

• foghorn
• swat team raid
• classic gong
• bedside pyrotechnics
• traditional pot and pan bashing
• home intruder
• spouse/partner screaming through megaphone

Violent Wake Ups start as low as US$43.87 with a pre-booking coupon which is available after booking.

Are you out of work? Do you have money to invest/burn on some hair-brained scheme? Do you have two hands? Can you see in the dark? Are you alive? Do you own a swimsuit? If you answered any of these questions, we have an opportunity for you…become your town’s Midnight Mechanic.

Everyone knows how inconvenient it is to get an oil change done for your car, yet alone getting your car serviced. No-one likes that impotent feeling of not having your wheels available to you and this is where the Midnight Mechanic comes in.

The Midnight Mechanic goes to peoples’ homes after the hours of midnight, services their cars discreetly, (except for power tool noise) and is essentially a totally mobile mechanic’s garage which can try to do any job.

The Midnight Mechanic is equipped with just about anything he might need to repair your car and he will try (and most likely fail) to fix it. People no longer have to worry about visiting the dealership for a service anymore…you simply call the Midnight Mechanic. Everybody wins!!

For a one time franchise fee we will supply you with:

• a custom 24 wheeler rig (with your name and your woman’s/old man’s name on the windscreen)
• a supply of all kinds of impressive looking replacement parts – nuts, bolts, tires, engines etc.
• a simple manual on how to fix stuff, complete with car section
• a whole bunch of super charged power-tools
• a helmet
• a really loud air-horn for your rig
• a powder blue, kick-ass winter uniform
• a second-hand fluorescent light fixture
• a small purple elephant
• a mustard yellow, insulated spacesuit
• a selection of tasteless bumper-stickers like “honk if you think I’m a w@nker”
• Midnight Mechanic branded head-band and flip-flop set

Being an official Midnight Mechanic in your town will bring many perks and benefits…

• Enjoy those envious looks as people observe you in your official looking uniform.
• Garner the respect of friends and relatives as you shamelessly parade around in your enormous 24 wheeler rig
• Look like a rockstar mechanic.
• Shamelessly blow your air-horn, pissing everyone off.
• Make extra money by working during the day.
• Great as a part-time/full-time job for old people, infants and students.
• Be a role model to children and purveyor of the Great American Dream to all.
• Pull chicks/dudes

Testimonials about Midnight Mechanics:

“He kept me up all night and totally fucked my car! In fact I have never driven my car since, but what a convenient service.” Steve Stephenson. (Buffalo, USA)

“Two thumbs way up for the Midnight Mechanic!” Siskel and Roeper (NYC, USA)

“He was kind enough to open the door for me before he drove away in my car. What a charmer he was, I miss him already!” Ima Sillycow (Lowville Heights, Canada)