Next time you have trouble figuring out how to sum up a bad situation or need to break an awkward silence you simple call, text or email Cliches on Demand and within seconds, they will send you a ridiculous cliche which is perfect for the situation you face.

Cliches you could receive:

• By the skin of his teeth

• A wet bird never flies at night

• We thought it would never end, but it did

• She really pushed the boat out

• In my mind’s eye

• It’s the thought that counts

• Don’t do today what you can do tomorrow

• Thanks for the memories

• The devil makes work for idle hands

• He wants to have his cake and eat it too

• A stitch in time saves nine

• Better late than never

• You should never cast aspersions

• Life’s not so bad when you consider the alternative

• Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched

• Procrastination is like masturbation the only one who gets f&cked is yourself

• His goose is cooked

• Too many cooks spoil the broth

• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

Many people have said that I am in love with the sound of my own voice (it is pretty awesome afterall), but even I would sometimes like to sound different. Now, thanks to the Exotic Accent Institute, you too can sound like you are from a glamorous foreign country who is just passing through town. Impress friends and dumbfound critics with a totally revamped style of conversing.

It is a simple 3 step process:

1) quit your day job
2) attend a 10 week intensive Exotic Accent Course (three 3 hour sessions a day, 7 days a week for 10 weeks)
3) start speaking with a really bad accent

We are adding new sterotypical and politically incorrect accents all the time.

New Accents Currently Available:

• Brazillian Bikini Model
• Mad Hungarian
• Welsh Sheep Farmer/Shagger
• Impatient German Dominatrix
• French Maid on Acid
• Speeding New York Cab Driver
• Overweight Romanian Stripper
• Toffee Nosed English Aristocrat
• Texas Cowboy
• Polish Sausage Maker
• Irish River Dancer
• Chinese Takeaway Chef
• Spanish Bull Fighter

New Silicon valley start-up launches new beta service.

Many people have missed flights, dental appointments, slept through the workday etc. thanks to faulty alarm devices, their ability to tune out the alarm or desire to sleep. Surprisingly, even the staff at Stupid Business Ideas have slept through an alarm call on occasion. This is a very real problem in the world and one which is causing increasing social unrest in over-developed Western countries. How many more people will miss “the boat” before we wake up to this problem? It need not happen anymore…

After relentless research and painstaking analysis, a ground breaking company, ViolentWakeUps.com, seems to have found the most natural solution to this problem. It is based on a technical concept first contemplated by founder, George Gaglianini in the summer of 2005. Gaglianini is a true visionary who has married human nature and technology in such a dynamic way. We recently had the opportunity to chat with this E-trepreneur at his home in Mountain View.

“I suppose it was my understanding of the human psyche which first allowed me to gain real incite into this problem. I watched so many friends and family members develop a very real contempt for their alarm clocks and mobile phones. People were now allowing themselves to hit the snooze button over and over again and sleep past their previously planned wake up times. I realised I could, sort of, harness my people skills and telemarketing experience to develop a simple yet virtually flawless business model whereby people just post their violent wake up order on the website or call it in. The orders are then out-sourced to our regional agents. Our agents boast an average repeat user rating of 99.87% and our agents love their work”.We have to say we found Gaglianini to be a motivated, savvy technocrat who clearly understands the Web 2.0 Facebook/Google world which most of us live in some of the time. Time will tell but everyone in the valley is secretly whispering his name.

How to use ViolentWakeUps.com

Simply call their 24 hour booking agents on 1-555-wake-ups or go online at ViolentWakeUps.com and give them your location and the time you wish to be awoken at and they will take care of the rest.

Types of Violent Wake Ups currently available:

• foghorn
• swat team raid
• classic gong
• bedside pyrotechnics
• traditional pot and pan bashing
• home intruder
• spouse/partner screaming through megaphone

Violent Wake Ups start as low as US$43.87 with a pre-booking coupon which is available after booking.

You may find it hard to believe but we do actual make our share of mistakes at Stupid Business Ideas. We, just like everyone else out there, are always second/double guessing ourselves. There are times when we really could do with a second opinion and a bit of guidance. Strangely enough some people have told us that it is about time we tried using our heads. Well, we really got our heads together on this one and finally worked out what “no man is an island” means. So we set about solving one of life’s great problems… making major mistakes and repeating them over and over.

We have all been told throughout our lives that “Two Heads Are Better Than One”! Well after exhausting scientific research and statistical analysis we can confirm that two heads really are better than one.

But let’s face it… it sucks to have to drag someone else along with you just because you need the benefit of an extra head. Certain situations demand discretion but also require the improved judgement of two heads. Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have the solution…Custom Made Second Heads!

Enjoy all the benefits of having a second head around but none of the inconvenience of a second person. You will only need one bus/plane ticket from now on, as your second head can be conveniently stowed beneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead baggage compartments. Start minimizing your mistakes and even stop repeating your legendary gaffes.

Bonus feature: if you like getting inebriated, you have the ability to not only get out of your head but you can now also get out of your second head.

Head on down to one of our Second Head Shops to get your virtually identical second head made by our renaissance-inspired head duplicate artists. Simply, stay motionless for five hours and thirty-six minutes while we make a papier-mache mould of your head and then come back 2-3 weeks later to collect your remarkably familiar looking second head. Believe us you will never look back or look better or use poor judgement again.

Be the wise, mature one of your group of friends and also the one who gets the most wasted…get your Second Head now!

Do you find yourself always lining up? Are you always waiting impatiently for things? Are you someone who gets their ass kicked for butting in line? Do you like queuing for things? Do you have too little time on your hands?

We have the solution -

We now have Line-up Technicians (or Queue Technicians if you are in jolly England) on call 24 hours a day in some towns and cities, in a few countries worldwide. No matter if you want to select the fastest or slowest line-up we have the answer for you. Perhaps, you don’t know which check-in line-up to select at the Airport or you really want to get your McFix at McDonalds and the line-ups look frustratingly long? We cater to all situations, feuding spouses eager to piss each other off by spending an eternity in the wrong line-up; the simple queue-lover who just loves the order of standing in single file waiting; the impatient, grumpkin who thinks the world revolves around him; etc.

You simply call our dispatch control centre and we will immediately send out a fairly competent Line Up Technician to advise on which line-up to stand in. After thorough analysis using our custom algorithm and heuristics we will tell you the optimum line-up/queue you should stand in to achieve your objective. Don’t be that tool who gets to the counter only to discover that he/she was in the wrong line-up the whole time and has to go and line up again, usually in the longest line-up of them all. Do what all the misguided, impatient people are doing… call The Line-up Technicians!

The Line-up Technicians… getting people where they wanna go faster or slower (sometimes)

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have been particularly busy lately, which has provided us with a plethora of “interesting ideas”. For those of you who don’t know, we sometimes discuss as many as twenty (20) interesting ideas in one day. That’s right, things get pretty interesting around here!

Here are a couple of prime nuggets now in rapid development at our secret R & D Laboratory, located somewhere:

Water that is not Wet!

Many people have dreamed of: reading the newspaper in the shower; swimming in their tuxedo/wedding dress; spilling glasses of water on themselves without a care in the world; etc.

Now we finally have the solution…Water that is not wet - dry water for the scientists among you. Through relentless research and paint-staking theorizing we believe we have come up with an algorithm which allows us do derive the dry water equation. Watch taps near you for the soon to be released dry water.

Also coming soon: Instant Powdered Water…just add water and you are away.

Are you planless? Feel like you need a change? Do you like plans? Have you lost your way? Don’t have a plan? Do you keep doing things which only you think are good ideas? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions then you should…

Visit the Plan Shop for our Autumn Plan Blowout!

Often in life we are faced with uncomfortable problems and severe challenges which usually force us to start crying, panic, phone our Mums and quickly give up. Bad planning has touched everyone’s life. It need not any more…we are now excited to offer plans to suit any situation.

• Need a business plan?
• Forgot your plan?
• Did the dog eat your plan?
• Bored of your parent’s plans for you?
• Need a new meal plan?
• Not sure what you are doing?
• Need an excuse for a plan?

Don’t worry we have you in our plans… We have a plan for you.

Let’s face it everyone loves a man or woman with a plan. Be the person who people look to when their shit/plan hits the fan. Be the person about whom people say “he/she has such great plans!”. Everyone loves it when a plan comes together and even if it doesn’t it’s the thought that counts. The plan could have worked and isn’t that enough? Of course it is. Some of the most famous and successful people in the world like plans and use them. Stick with the planners…stay one plan ahead of the crowd. Be a winner…Be a Planner!

Plans to suit any budget…

Currently in stock:

• Big Plans
• Plan B
• Simple Plans
• Re-Conditioned Plans
• Previously Failed Plans
• Previously Enjoyed Plans
• Budget Plans
• Bad Plans
• Last Minute Plans
• Ill-Conceived Plans
• Vintage Plans
• General Plans
• Spring Plans
• Interchangeable Plans
• Pie-in-the-Sky Plans

Plans currently being planned:

• Summer Plans
• Comprehensive Plans
• Mid-Summer Plans
• Half-Arsed Plans
• Elaborate Plans
• Futuristic Plans
• Pretty Weak Plans
• Speculative Plans
• Reworked Plans
• Solid Plans
• Dream Plans

Feel like a change of plans? Then trade your old plans in for some new plans. We also offer custom plans, which we will custom plan for you. We also offer plans for all special occasions…Barn Dances, Bar Mitzvahs, Weddings, Christenings, etc.

Talk to one of our Planners in our state-of-the-art dedicated Planning Department. Discuss your planning dreams and make plans for them to become a real plan sometime.

Take advantage of our “I Planned It My Way” promotion. Buy one plan for $200 and get the second one for the same price.

The Plan Shop…making someone’s plans become something, sometime guaranteed