Are you tired of having your house smell like autumn meadows, winter greens or artic ocean breezes? Having trouble finding the right fragrance for your home? Are you bored of the same old wistful and romantic french vanilla/sandalwood/lavender scent combinations? Do you feel the need to freshen things up?

Well we here at Stupid Business Ideas feel/smell your pain. We are pleased to announce our new range of designer air fresheners that will make you smile with nostalgia after you spray them around your home.

Why not try one of our classic new home fragrances and evoke some of life’s classic aromas in your home?

Fragances now available in your local store…

• Sour Milk
• Smoked Haddock
• Jock Strap
• Burnt Toast
• Cat Urine
• Baby Sick
• Bacon
• Curry
• Pothead’s Hotbox
• Morning Breath

Our Air Fresheners don’t just cover up odours they eliminate them entirely.

Coming soon Stupid Business Ideas brings you the accompanying range of breath fresheners!!

Do you while away the hours watching TV and listening to other people talk? Do you dream of adding witty comments to other peoples’ conversations and being the life and soul of the party? Do you like talking shit? Now you can…

Learn the hilarious “ington” way of talking with the new “Ington Dictionary”

Within minutes you will be trying all kinds of combinations to great effect…

• Out for lunchington - one who is away with the fairies
• Sober as a judgeington - a tee-totaller
• Buzz Killington - the party wrecker
• Eat Sleepington or Sleep Eatington- one who likes to eat and sleep alot
• Lead Leadington - your boss or leader
• Slow Drivington or Drive Slowington- one who drives slowly
• Work Workington - one who works alot
• Two Timington - the unfaithful type

The formula also works for many other expressions…

• You had better move arseington if you want to catch your plane - in other words hurry the fuck up
• Wanna have a round of golfington - self-explanatory
• Fuck offington - a more interesting variant of the old classic
• What a bad smellington

The “Ington Dictionary” coming to all good book stores and available for download very soon!!

Another innovative product from your friends at Stupid Business Ideas

Are you one of the unfortunate people who has poor eyesight? Are you forced to wear glasses to live your life? Do you find the cost of professional laser eye surgery to be prohibitive?

We have the solution for you…simply purchase yourself a laser pointer and then proceed to stare into the beam for 10 minutes. You will notice that most laser pointers have a warning not to stare into the beam but this is a straight forward conspiracy by laser eye surgeons who don’t want you doing your own surgery.

Two of our staff recently completed their own surgery and even though their eyes now feel like they are on fire and they feel the need to constantly wear sunglasses, they are totally convinced that their eyesight may be better soon. Quite an endorsement I think everyone can agree.

 We here at Stupid Business Ideas have a truck load of these laser pointers available for the knock down price of $800 a piece so don’t delay start giving awesome presentations with your new almost perfect eyesight now.

 Call our 24 hour order hotline on 1-888-EYE-FIRE today!!

Just in time for the Easter Bunny’s arrival we here at Stupid Business Ideas are pleased to announce the launch of our latest ultra-convenient new service…

The Easter Egg Eating Service.

That’s right, just give us a call and set up an appointment for one of our fully trained staff to drop by your home and eat all your family’s easter eggs. Sit back and relax as your children start crying, your wife gives you that “you arse-hole” look and watch our staff eat your hard-earned easter eggs. Don’t worry we also eat chocolate bunnies, chocolate bars, chocolate fish, etc. We really will eat all of your easter chocolate

Help out friends and family…set up an easter egg eating appointment for them today!

Only, $29.99 plus tax per appointment.

Are you tired of dragging the family to the local craft fair? Suffering from cabin fever? Has your home become a boring hovel? Is your family’s morale low? Do you need to do something special for little Johnnie’s birthday?

Well why not put some excitement back in your life with SBI’s new “Indoor Fireworks Shows“? That’s right you no longer have to freeze your collective asses off to see a cool fireworks show. Become the most popular family on the block and host the explosive fireworks show you always dreamed of…all from within the safe confines of your own home.

Simply set up the fireworks stand in your living room, put on your special safety goggles(4 pairs are included with your show), light the fuse and then sit back, relax and have the shit scared out of you!!

How can you go wrong?

Testimonials about Indoor Fireworks Shows :

“The kids and dog are still shell-shocked and have not spoken in days…good times!!” Gerald Naysmith. (Vancouver, Canada)

“The living room is destroyed but what a show it was” Pamela Jones (Telluride, USA)

“Wow!! A stunning spectacle fit for the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, all in your own home” Jean-Francois Smith (Seyches, France)

Following it’s launch at London Fashion Week, men have been flocking to buy Hugo Bacon’s new after shave “L’eau de bacon pour homme”. Lovers, girlfriends, wives and dogs are loving Hugo’s new Apres Razage.

Women cannot keep their hands off the men wearing the irresistable, meaty new men’s fragrance. Even female vegetarians love it.

Available in :

• Ocean Fresh Hickory Smoked
• Sporty Clean Maple Syrup
• Musk Original Thick Sliced

Are you absent minded? Do you have the attention span of a 2 year old? Are you short term memory deficient? Do you put things down and immediately forget where you put them? Do you have a car? Do you have a door?

If you answered any of these questions or if you are even reading this then we have a product for you…

The Car/House keys locator system. When you lose those house or car keys which you need so desperately you simple press the GPS button on the key ring device we give you and an alarm bell will sound telling you where you left your keys.

Are you starting to realise that you are not perfect? Are you even annoying yourself with those bad behavioral patterns you exhibit? Sometimes you just don’t know how to address your character flaws and noone else can be bothered to help you.

Now with the new Electronic Self Improvement System, you can shock yourself into becoming a better person. Simply install the “invisible” alarm vest, set to the character flaw/feeling you wish to correct, choose the tolerance level you require, turn it on and start the electrical voyage of self-improvement. For example. whenever you exceed your chosen limit for a behavior you receive a 18 volt electric shock along with an air raid siren sounding for thirty seconds, these measures provide a clear deterrent to you to stop being such a badly behaved asshole and smarten up

Character Flaw Alarm Systems currently available:

• Boring
• Overly enthusiastic
• Anxious
• Normal
• Anxious
• Feminist
• Ageist
• Sober
• Excessively nice
• Conservative
• Honest
• Deceptive
• Impatient

Available in all major drug stores this Christmas…finally, become the perfectly balanced person.

There are many instances when you may find that you are “working on a delay”. This is typically best experienced after an evening’s festivities, when you are back at someone’s house with friends, it’s late, you are lost in thought (how am i going to get home?), and someone asks you a question.Your author has been known to work on up to a 30 second delay in such circumstances, and you may well have your own stories and records.It would be helpful and a generous gesture to friends if you carried the new patented “working on a delay” display counter.Through the wonders of micro-electronics, a sensor works out your current delay time in seconds, and displays it on something you wear over your T-shirt. A friend need only glance over, check your current delay time, and decide whether they should bother speaking with you. They would also have the option of course of asking you a question, in full knowledge of how long they’ll have to wait until you answer. They can do something useful with this time.Available in all good stores and head shops this Fall - $9.99

The world’s top sun, sea and sand holiday resorts will soon be able to boast state-of-the-art tanning salons offering the latest in skin recoloring technology, all thanks to the vision of well-known tanning expert and beautician Claire Sallow. Having signed a string of exclusive deals with many of the world’s leading hotel chains (reportedly in the US$50million range), Sallow will design and build boutique style tanning salons in the very finest of Carribbean, Mediterranean and Irish Sea resorts.

People will now have the luxury of going on holiday and getting the most beautiful tan - all without stepping into that cruelly hot sun. Now holidaymakers can simply visit Claire’s “Midnight Sun Salon” within their resort and get the perfect man-made tan. In this ozone layer free-world who wants to get chargrilled alive by that insane, blazing golden orb we call the sun? Noone need suffer that fate anymore as we can now get man-made tans, contribute to the global energy crisis, possibly still get skin cancer and look really good, all at the same time!

Tans currently available:

• Flaming orange
• Mahogany
• Red Lobster
• Uneven
• Luminescent yellow
• Off-white
• Queasy-looking grey
• Discount
• Oak