There are many instances when you may find that you are “working on a delay”. This is typically best experienced after an evening’s festivities, when you are back at someone’s house with friends, it’s late, you are lost in thought (how am i going to get home?), and someone asks you a question.Your author has been known to work on up to a 30 second delay in such circumstances, and you may well have your own stories and records.It would be helpful and a generous gesture to friends if you carried the new patented “working on a delay” display counter.Through the wonders of micro-electronics, a sensor works out your current delay time in seconds, and displays it on something you wear over your T-shirt. A friend need only glance over, check your current delay time, and decide whether they should bother speaking with you. They would also have the option of course of asking you a question, in full knowledge of how long they’ll have to wait until you answer. They can do something useful with this time.Available in all good stores and head shops this Fall - $9.99

The world’s top sun, sea and sand holiday resorts will soon be able to boast state-of-the-art tanning salons offering the latest in skin recoloring technology, all thanks to the vision of well-known tanning expert and beautician Claire Sallow. Having signed a string of exclusive deals with many of the world’s leading hotel chains (reportedly in the US$50million range), Sallow will design and build boutique style tanning salons in the very finest of Carribbean, Mediterranean and Irish Sea resorts.

People will now have the luxury of going on holiday and getting the most beautiful tan - all without stepping into that cruelly hot sun. Now holidaymakers can simply visit Claire’s “Midnight Sun Salon” within their resort and get the perfect man-made tan. In this ozone layer free-world who wants to get chargrilled alive by that insane, blazing golden orb we call the sun? Noone need suffer that fate anymore as we can now get man-made tans, contribute to the global energy crisis, possibly still get skin cancer and look really good, all at the same time!

Tans currently available:

• Flaming orange
• Mahogany
• Red Lobster
• Uneven
• Luminescent yellow
• Off-white
• Queasy-looking grey
• Discount
• Oak