Here at Stupid Business Ideas we are frequently unable to express ourselves and are often misunderstood. We sometimes think of words which we would love to use more, if only we knew what they meant. Basically we have grown tired of speaking the same old English. We want to sound intelligent and impressive yet totally incomprehensible.

We have the solution… we are totally reworking the English language and are assigning exciting new meanings to different words all the time!

We present…

English 2.0 - all the cool people are getting confused by it

If you are learning English for the first time be sure to learn the latest version. English 1.0 is so last week.

If you are procreating at the moment be sure to teach your baby English 2.0 so he/she understands and/or gets misunderstood by most, if not all, the people they meet in life.

All International business people will soon be speaking English 2.0 so get with the times and start speaking the talk…know what I’m sayin’!

Here are a few complimentary words to get you speaking English 2.0

Word - New Meaning

Punctual - 30-40 minutes late
Sweet - Semi-sweet, half-sour
Weird - Desirable, attractive
Good - Pretty Shitty
Great - Crap
Confused - Cool, intelligent, pleasant
Vegetarian - One who only eats bacon for sustenance

New Emotion picture cards now included! When people ask you how you are, you can simple show the emotion picture card that suits your state-of-mind the best. You don’t even need to waste your breathe.

English 2.0 The Complete Works - Available in all good corner stores this summer for sure.

Are you guilty of making alcohol-fueled late night phone calls to members of the opposite or same sex? Do you lose all sense of reason when inebriated? Are you a paid up member of the “liquid courage” club? Do you feel the need to make amorous propositions from your cellphone to people you previously found unattractive whenever you get loaded?

If you are familiar with any of the preceding questions then you need the life changing Mobile Phone Breathalyser!

Just attach our state-of-the-art breathalyser to your phone (special harness included), turn it on and you will never make a drunken phone call again.

If you attempt to make a call on your cell, you will be prompted to blow into the breathalyser. If you blow over the limit, a siren will sound alerting you and everyone in a 1 mile radius that you are shit-faced and are looking for some loving in all the wrong places.

You will of course always be able to place emergency calls to the Police, Emergency Services or Fire Brigade. We do want you to live after all.

New models and styles coming in all the time.

Check out our new in store promotions at our soon to be opened stores.

Here at Stupid Business Ideas we have been particularly busy lately, which has provided us with a plethora of “interesting ideas”. For those of you who don’t know, we sometimes discuss as many as twenty (20) interesting ideas in one day. That’s right, things get pretty interesting around here!

Here are a couple of prime nuggets now in rapid development at our secret R & D Laboratory, located somewhere:

Water that is not Wet!

Many people have dreamed of: reading the newspaper in the shower; swimming in their tuxedo/wedding dress; spilling glasses of water on themselves without a care in the world; etc.

Now we finally have the solution…Water that is not wet - dry water for the scientists among you. Through relentless research and paint-staking theorizing we believe we have come up with an algorithm which allows us do derive the dry water equation. Watch taps near you for the soon to be released dry water.

Also coming soon: Instant Powdered Water…just add water and you are away.

Opening Soon in a strip mall near you.

Do you like collectibles? Are you tired of conforming? Are you nocturnal? Do you like the Antiques Roadshow ?

It’s time to come down to our poorly lit, state-of-the-art second-hand light bulb showroom. We have light bulbs from all over the world - Italy, Littlerock, Greenland, Vienna, Bradford, etc. We have new second-hand light bulbs coming in all the time from all kinds of sources for every occasion. We design and make our own range of second-hand light bulb jewellery- it is all the rage. Be original - don’t send flowers to that special someone, say “I love you” with a custom bouquet of exquisite second-hand light bulbs.

Second-hand light bulbs are:

• great as baby soothers
• great for the kids to play that timeless, classic game of “Smash the light bulb”
• wicked novelty/joke gifts. You cannot beat people’s expressions when they insert the second-hand light bulb thinking that it will work and then it doesn’t - good times
• always great talking points at social/family gatherings
• a great way to meet like minded people
• fun for all the family
• the source of many jokes
• super Christmas ornaments

Get All Lit Up At The Second Hand Light Bulb Shop

Are you out of work? Do you have money to invest/burn on some hair-brained scheme? Do you have two hands? Can you see in the dark? Are you alive? Do you own a swimsuit? If you answered any of these questions, we have an opportunity for you…become your town’s Midnight Mechanic.

Everyone knows how inconvenient it is to get an oil change done for your car, yet alone getting your car serviced. No-one likes that impotent feeling of not having your wheels available to you and this is where the Midnight Mechanic comes in.

The Midnight Mechanic goes to peoples’ homes after the hours of midnight, services their cars discreetly, (except for power tool noise) and is essentially a totally mobile mechanic’s garage which can try to do any job.

The Midnight Mechanic is equipped with just about anything he might need to repair your car and he will try (and most likely fail) to fix it. People no longer have to worry about visiting the dealership for a service anymore…you simply call the Midnight Mechanic. Everybody wins!!

For a one time franchise fee we will supply you with:

• a custom 24 wheeler rig (with your name and your woman’s/old man’s name on the windscreen)
• a supply of all kinds of impressive looking replacement parts – nuts, bolts, tires, engines etc.
• a simple manual on how to fix stuff, complete with car section
• a whole bunch of super charged power-tools
• a helmet
• a really loud air-horn for your rig
• a powder blue, kick-ass winter uniform
• a second-hand fluorescent light fixture
• a small purple elephant
• a mustard yellow, insulated spacesuit
• a selection of tasteless bumper-stickers like “honk if you think I’m a w@nker”
• Midnight Mechanic branded head-band and flip-flop set

Being an official Midnight Mechanic in your town will bring many perks and benefits…

• Enjoy those envious looks as people observe you in your official looking uniform.
• Garner the respect of friends and relatives as you shamelessly parade around in your enormous 24 wheeler rig
• Look like a rockstar mechanic.
• Shamelessly blow your air-horn, pissing everyone off.
• Make extra money by working during the day.
• Great as a part-time/full-time job for old people, infants and students.
• Be a role model to children and purveyor of the Great American Dream to all.
• Pull chicks/dudes

Testimonials about Midnight Mechanics:

“He kept me up all night and totally fucked my car! In fact I have never driven my car since, but what a convenient service.” Steve Stephenson. (Buffalo, USA)

“Two thumbs way up for the Midnight Mechanic!” Siskel and Roeper (NYC, USA)

“He was kind enough to open the door for me before he drove away in my car. What a charmer he was, I miss him already!” Ima Sillycow (Lowville Heights, Canada)